I have a handful of draft posts I will likely never finish: on my first protest with the Handmaid Coalition; on a conversation about drag culture, patriarchy, and confronting and perpetuating misogyny; and a whole thing on curated-self celebrities and the manifestation of internalized misogyny. Also a thing on the necessity of visible protest to the collective unconscious and the health and development of our ethos, rather than as a means of change.
I’m having enough trouble writing a basic report for work right now, so working on some personal essays seems impossible. It’s just that there’s a lot going on right now and it’s tiring. I’ve been calling my own members of Congress, phone banking, Postcards to Voters-ing, attending political meetings, trying to find someone to put me to use. Some other volunteering, but never as much as I’d like.
There’s also a lot of social obligations–always, my friends are busy people–but especially at the end of the year. There’s traveling. And fundraisers. And the yoga classes I’m trying to get back to regularly. And I feel like I’m always doing something but that I’ve never managed to do anything at all.
That’s the hard part: feeling like I’m always doing something but that I’ve never managed to do anything at all.
There’s some work needing done both at home and at the rental. So there’s contractors to coordinate, decisions to make, and just chores. So many chores. I’m planning, for each of the Twelve Days of Christmas, to fill one Bag of Things to Leave the House Forever. I was telling someone recently that we don’t have a junk drawer and we don’t but there’s junk slipping into the battery drawer, into the tools drawer, into the swatch drawer.
My to-do list is a long mix of practical tasks, metaphysical chores, things I want to be doing, books I’d planned to read, movies I wanted to watch, habits I keep meaning to set, budget goals I need to set (and examine the budget and do some overdo accounting).
There’s a bunch of sewing room projects, too (not including the living room curtains, which I bought a roll of velveteen fabric for when we moved in, but have never sewn. We have curtain rods, now, as well as some hand-me-down sheers, so I really should do that. Our living room is nice. It deserves curtains).
And the To-Do list itself. It needs updating.
And so drained from the sheer weight of the world right now that I feel like I’m always doing something, but that I’ve never managed to do anything at all.
I have some random days off ahead that don’t coincide with holiday travel or holiday meals or holiday parties. Perhaps crossing a few things off the list with help. The trick will be putting those days to use, and not using them to cuddle with my geriatric cat and an excellent video game and maybe some cocoa.